“You were ransomed…not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ.” Saint Peter reminds the first Christians that their lives have acquired an immeasurable value because they have become the object of God’s redemptive love. Christ has not merely rescued us from sin; he has made us children of God and given our whole earthly existence a new dignity and purpose. Saint Josemaría once recalled a young university student who told him that, after reflecting on the fact that he was a son of God, he found himself walking down the street with his head held high and a noble sense of pride within him. Saint Josemaría encouraged him to foster that pride. It was not vanity or self-sufficiency, but the secure awareness that his life rested upon God’s love.
Recognizing Our Greatness
To foster this kind of pride does not mean pretending that we possess qualities we do not have or cultivating an exaggerated opinion of ourselves. Nor does it mean trying to live independently of God and others. It means recognizing the true greatness of our condition as creatures whom God has freely loved. The Second Vatican Council teaches that the human person is the only creature on earth whom God has willed for his own sake. We have been created in God’s image and likeness, and we are called to develop that likeness by becoming ever more closely identified with Christ through grace.
This vocation provides the deepest foundation for a healthy self-esteem. Faith helps us evaluate our successes and failures without allowing either of them to define us completely. When we accept our identity as children of God, we acquire a greater interior stability. We are less dependent upon constant approval and less afraid of situations in which we may not succeed. We can act with greater confidence, relate more freely to others, and approach unfamiliar circumstances without being paralysed by insecurity. This confidence is not based on the belief that we will always perform well. It rests upon the conviction that our worth remains secure even when our limitations become apparent.
The way we judge ourselves is influenced by the goals we pursue and by the people we regard as models. These standards are formed gradually through our family upbringing, our friendships, our education, and the attitudes of the society around us. They may influence us more deeply than we realize. If our ideals are high and noble, they encourage us to grow and help us form a sound judgment of ourselves. If they are superficial or distorted, they can lead us either to overestimate ourselves or to lose confidence for the wrong reasons.
Choosing Sound Models
We easily acquire an unhealthy view of ourselves when we adopt false standards of success. We may come to believe that professional advancement, social recognition, physical attractiveness, or romantic fulfilment determines the value of our life. When we achieve one of these goals, we may think too highly of ourselves because others admire what we have accomplished. When we fail to achieve it, or when the admiration of others is withdrawn, we may feel that our life has somehow lost its worth. In both cases, we are evaluating ourselves primarily according to what we possess, how we appear, or what we have managed to accomplish.
It is helpful, therefore, to examine the standards that govern our family, professional, and social life and to ask whether they are compatible with a Christian understanding of the person. Christ is the only entirely complete and coherent model for our life. He is not merely an abstract ideal whom we contemplate from a distance, but a living person with whom we have a relationship of love. When we look at ourselves in the light of his life, we learn to distinguish between what truly makes us better and what merely attracts admiration. We also discover that growth in holiness often takes place through events that the world would not regard as successful.
Self-Knowledge in God’s Light
A truthful judgment of ourselves requires self-knowledge, and this is never acquired once and for all. We naturally see our character and conduct from within, while others experience us from a different perspective. Even in simple matters, such as the sound of our own voice or the impression made by our mannerisms, we do not perceive ourselves exactly as others do. It is therefore unreasonable to assume that we are always the best judges of our own personality, motives, strengths, or defects.
We grow in self-knowledge through reflection, but also through what other people help us to see. This requires us to open ourselves to those who know us well and sincerely desire our good. Personal spiritual direction is especially valuable because it enables us to consider our conduct in the light of a worthwhile ideal and to receive advice that is neither flattering nor dismissive. Daily interaction with family, friends, and colleagues can also reveal much about us, particularly through the way we respond when our preferences are challenged or when others do not treat us as we expect.
We must nevertheless exercise discernment. Not every judgment made about us is accurate or helpful. Some people speak carelessly, while others evaluate us according to standards that are themselves mistaken. We should not allow every criticism or expression of disapproval to determine our opinion of ourselves. Sacred Scripture tells us that it is better to listen to the rebuke of a wise person than to the praise of a fool. What matters is not simply whether a comment is favourable or painful, but whether it contains truth and can help us become the person God is asking us to be.
Prayer gives us the best light in which to understand ourselves. As we come to know God, we begin to see our own life more truthfully. In his presence, we can examine the advice we have received and ask whether it reveals something we need to change. We can also free ourselves from judgments that are unfair or inconsistent with God’s will. Prayer prevents self-knowledge from becoming either harsh self-criticism or self-protective blindness. God shows us our defects without withdrawing his love, and he reminds us of our dignity without concealing our need for conversion.
Our words also affect the self-esteem of those around us. Parents, teachers, spiritual directors, employers, and others who exercise authority have a particular responsibility in this regard. Correction is sometimes necessary, and clarity should not be sacrificed in the name of kindness. Yet even a firm correction can be given in a way that respects the person and strengthens the conviction that improvement is possible. People need to know that their faults do not exhaust the truth about them. When our words communicate respect and hope, we help others develop the confidence required to grow.
Accepting Ourselves as God Accepts Us
Seeing ourselves in God’s light enables us to accept both our gifts and our limitations. Healthy self-esteem does not require us to believe that we are as intelligent, talented, attractive, or capable as everyone else. Human beings differ greatly from one another. Some possess abilities that we will never have, while we have gifts that others may lack. Comparisons become harmful when we treat another person’s strength as evidence of our own inferiority or when we make superiority in some field the basis of our self-worth.
The deepest reason for accepting ourselves is that God has accepted and loved us. Our limitations are not obstacles that make holiness impossible. They form part of the concrete path along which God calls us to seek him. They provide the setting for our struggle, our dependence upon grace, and our service to others. Christ chose the apostles with full knowledge of their weaknesses. They were ordinary men, often quicker to speak than to act, yet he called them to become fishers of men and instruments of grace. He also calls us without waiting for us to become flawless.
Self-acceptance should not be confused with complacency. To accept ourselves is not to decide that our defects no longer matter or that no further effort is required. It means beginning our struggle from reality rather than from resentment or fantasy. We can acknowledge that we are impatient, fearful, disorganized, or overly sensitive without concluding that these faults define us permanently. We accept the person God has created and then cooperate with grace so that this person may be transformed.
Success, Failure, and Christian Realism
The supernatural view of life places our achievements in their proper perspective. We may rightly rejoice when our work succeeds, when a difficulty is overcome, or when our efforts are recognized. Yet the lasting value of success lies in the way it has helped us love God and others more faithfully. External accomplishment can coexist with spiritual failure if it feeds vanity or selfishness. Conversely, an undertaking that appears unsuccessful may have produced humility, perseverance, or a greater reliance upon God.
We should therefore avoid being carried away by praise or crushed by failure. Saint Peter, after healing the lame man, made clear that the good accomplished had been done in the name of Jesus Christ. We should have the same instinct. When something goes well, we can thank God, recognize the help we have received, and continue working without allowing success to inflate our opinion of ourselves. Gratitude protects us from pride because it reminds us that our abilities, opportunities, and even our desire to do good are gifts.
Failure also has much to teach us. External obstacles, errors of judgment, and our own defects frequently prevent us from achieving what we intended. If we acknowledge this honestly, failure can deepen our self-knowledge and prepare us to act more wisely in the future. Saint Josemaría once encouraged a person who believed he had failed by reminding him that, if he had trusted God and used the available human means, the apparent failure could itself form part of God’s plan. He should give thanks, learn from what had happened, and begin again.
This is not a pious way of denying disappointment. We may need to admit that we made a poor decision, neglected an important duty, or overestimated our abilities. Yet the Cross teaches us that weakness and apparent defeat do not prevent God from bringing forth good. Christian realism allows us to face the truth without surrendering to discouragement. We are not required to succeed in everything, but we are required to remain faithful, correct our mistakes, and continue moving forward.
Acting with Confidence and Learning to Rectify
Self-confidence becomes more secure when it rests upon the knowledge that we are beloved children of God rather than upon the certainty of success. Every worthwhile decision involves some risk. We may misjudge a situation, choose an ineffective method, or discover that we are less capable than we had imagined. If our sense of worth depends entirely upon getting things right, fear will prevent us from acting. We will avoid responsibility in order to protect ourselves from embarrassment or criticism.
Prudence does not consist in never making a mistake. A prudent person reflects, seeks advice when necessary, and avoids rashness, but he is also willing to act when action is required. He accepts the possibility that his judgment may be imperfect. Saint Josemaría wrote that a prudent person would rather miss the mark repeatedly than retreat into an easy “do nothing” attitude. Fear of failure should not make us abandon the effort to do good.
The willingness to rectify is therefore essential. When we admit an error and correct it, we do not diminish ourselves. We grow in truth, experience, and reliability. A person who never acknowledges mistakes may appear confident, but his confidence is fragile because it depends upon maintaining a false image. Those who can apologize, reconsider a judgment, and change direction show a deeper security. They do not need to defend every decision as though their personal dignity depended upon it.
Our trust ultimately rests in the providence of God. Saint Paul assures us that God works all things together for the good of those who love him. Even our falls can be included within this promise when we turn back to God, ask forgiveness, and rise again with his help. Sin is never good, but repentance can lead us to greater humility and a more profound knowledge of divine mercy. Saint John reminds us that if we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves, but if we confess our sins, God is faithful and will forgive and cleanse us.
Humility and True Self-Esteem
Healthy self-esteem flourishes under the protection of humility. Saint Josemaría described humility as the virtue that enables us to recognize both our wretchedness and our greatness. Without humility, we move easily between two distortions. We may exaggerate our importance and become unable to accept correction, or we may concentrate so exclusively upon our defects that we overlook the dignity God has given us. Neither view is truthful.
Humility allows us to say that we are weak without concluding that we are worthless. We are sinners in need of mercy, but we are also children of God redeemed by the blood of Christ. Our shortcomings rest upon a dignity far greater than anything we could earn for ourselves. This enables us to face our faults without panic and our gifts without vanity. We can seek help when we need it and offer help to others without feeling either inferior or superior.
In the end, all of us depend entirely upon God, for in him we live and move and have our being. He is not a distant judge waiting for us to prove our value, but a merciful Father who watches over us and calls us to grow. The Blessed Virgin gives us the perfect example of this union between humility and a secure awareness of one’s vocation. Mary could proclaim that the Almighty had done great things for her because she also knew herself to be the lowly handmaid of the Lord. She did not deny the greatness of what God had accomplished in her, nor did she attribute it to herself.
A healthy self-esteem develops when we learn to see ourselves in the same light. We acknowledge the gifts God has given us and use them gratefully. We recognize our faults and struggle against them without losing hope. We accept that others may surpass us in many ways, while remaining convinced that our own life has a unique value and purpose. Above all, we remember that our worth does not depend upon achievement, admiration, or freedom from weakness. It rests upon the love of God, who created us, redeemed us, and called each of us to become holy.
By the Via Virtutis team
Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash
