When love is immature, the person is constantly looking inward, absorbed in his own feelings. Here, the subjective element of love reigns supreme. He measures his love by the sensual and emotional reactions he experiences in the relationship. Since these feelings themselves are unstable and constantly changing, however, a relationship that is based merely on these subjective aspects will follow the ups and downs of these feelings.
A mature love, however, is one that looks outward. First, it looks outward in the sense that it is based not on my feelings but on the honest truth of the other person and on my commitment to the other person in self-giving love. The emotions still play an important part, but they are grounded in the truth of the other person as he or she really is (not my idealization of that person). “The emotion becomes serene and confident, for it ceases to be absorbed entirely in itself and attaches itself instead to its object, to the beloved person”
Here we see the proper role of the emotions in a relationship. When my subjective feelings are grounded in the objective truth about the other person, my emotions themselves take on a new quality and become integrated with authentic love. The emotions become “simpler and more sober, John Paul II says. Having moved beyond the idealization of emotional love, the mature love based on a commitment to the other person “is concentrated on the value of the person as such and makes us feel emotional love for the person as he or she really is, not for the person of our imagination, but for the real person”
Second, a mature love looks outward in the sense that the person actively seeks what is best for the beloved. The person with a mature love is not focused primarily on what feelings and desires may be stirring inside him. Rather, he is focused on his responsibility to care for his beloved’s good. He actively seeks what is good for her, not just his own pleasure, enjoyment, and selfish pursuits.
Only the Chaste can Love
John Paul II says the main reason modern man views chastity as an obstacle to love is that we associate love primarily with the emotions or the sexual pleasure we receive from the person of the other sex. In other words, we tend to think of love only in its subjective aspect. As John Paul II has shown, however, a true, lasting love needs a much stronger foundation. It must be based on virtue, a commitment to the other person’s good, and mutual self-giving—in other words, the objective aspect of love.
Therefore, the real questions in love are not the subjective ones: “Do I have strong feelings and desire for my beloved?” “Does he or she have strong feelings and sensual desire for me?” Anyone can have feelings and desire for another person. But not everyone has the virtue and commitment to make self-giving love possible.
Yet since the subjective aspect of love develops more rapidly and is felt more intensely than the objective aspect, many people confuse the feelings of love with love itself. On the objective level, it takes a lot of time and effort to cultivate a virtuous friendship. Relationships centered on total self-giving love and on a profound sense of responsibility for the other as a gift don’t just happen spontaneously.
On the other hand, with the subjective aspect of love, it doesn’t take much time and effort at all to experience sensual desire or emotional longing for a person of the opposite sex. Such reactions can happen in an instant. Furthermore, these sensual and emotional responses can be so powerful that they dominate how we view the other person.
In our fallen human nature, we can tend to see persons of the opposite sex primarily through the prism of their sexual values—the values that give us pleasure. As a result, we obscure our perception of them as persons and view them more as opportunities for our own enjoyment (159).
Our Tendency to Use the Opposite Sex
John Paul II points out that our encounters with the opposite sex are often mixed with this kind of emotional or sensual egoism—with a desire to use the person for our own emotional pleasure or sexual satisfaction. “The truth of original sin explains a very basic and very widespread evil—that a human being encountering a person of the other sex does not simply and spontaneously experience ‘love,’ but a feeling muddied by the longing to enjoy” (161, emphasis added).
Did you catch that? John Paul II is saying that when we encounter someone of the opposite sex—a stranger, a friend, a coworker, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a spouse, or even another person’s spouse—we should not expect a purely selfless attitude of Christian kindness to spontaneously spring from our hearts. Because we are fallen, our many complex attractions are often tainted by a selfish attitude of wanting to be with the other person not for the sake of any commitment to his or her well-being, but for the rush of good feelings or sensual pleasure we may receive from being with that person.
In other words, when boy meets girl, they do not automatically fall into authentic, self-giving, committed love for each other. That is why we need a virtue that helps us integrate our initial sensual and sentimental attractions with authentic love for the other as a person. Chastity is the virtue that enables us to love in this way. As John Paul II says: “Since sensations and actions springing from sexual reactions and the emotions connected with them tend to deprive love of its crystal clarity—a special virtue is necessary to protect its true character and objective profile. This special virtue is chastity, which is intimately allied to love between man and woman” (146).
Chastity: The Guardian of Love
Now we can see why chastity is so necessary for love. Far from something that hinders our love, chastity is what makes love possible. It protects love from falling into selfish, utilitarian attitudes and enables us to love selflessly—irrespective of the powerful emotions or sensual delight we may receive from our beloved.
If we are to truly love a person of the opposite sex, we must see their full value as a person and respond to them in selfless love. John Paul II says chastity allows us to do just that. “The essence of chastity consists in quickness to affirm the value of the person in every situation, and in raising to the personal level all reactions to the value of ‘the body and sex’” (171).
Men and women without chastity are in a very sad situation: They are not free to love. They may have good intentions and a sincere desire to care for the beloved, but without chastity, love will never flourish for it will not be pure. It will be mixed with a tendency to view the beloved primarily in terms of sexual values. John Paul II explains that without chastity, men and women cannot selflessly love the beloved as a person because the heart is so preoccupied with emotional and sensual pleasure (164).
But chastity protects love from falling into such utilitarianism; freed from utilitarian attitudes, the chaste are thus free to love. Thus also “only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of true love. For chastity frees their association, including their marital intercourse, from that tendency to use a person which is objectively incompatible with ‘loving kindness,’ and by so freeing it introduces into their life together and their sexual relationship a special disposition to ‘loving kindness’” (171).
Cleanse the thoughts of my heart and grant me the grace never to offend you in the area of chastity.
Love, as opposed to lust, seeks the good of the other. Using another for one’s own enjoyment clearly does not exemplify love. Chastity is the virtue that brings the sexual appetite into harmony with reason. The distinguished Thomistic philosopher Josef Pieper said the following about chastity: Unchaste abandon and the self-surrender of the soul to the world of sensuality paralyzes the primordial powers of the moral person: the ability to perceive in silence the call of reality and to make, in the retreat of this silence, the decision appropriate to the specific situation. Chastity honours the person who is loved. A man cannot say, I love you, to a woman and then expose her to an unwanted pregnancy, rejection and disgrace. That is no way to treat a lady.
By Edward Sri
